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Controlling People: 4 ways you give people power without realising it!


Today I want to talk about control, and how we give it to others without even realising it. 

When we think about control, we usually associate it with a positive act. For example, letting someone make a decision for us or stopping us from doing something. But not that many people know that in fact, we can give someone excessive control without even seeing it, because they're so discreet and manipulative in getting it from us!

After reading this post, you'll be able to identify 4 different ways of giving someone else control over your mind or feelings and hopefully, use this knowledge to your advantage!


#1 Lack of Assertiveness

Is this one obvious? I'm not sure - but anyhow, if you can't say 'no', it's clear that the decision will be made for you by someone else. Assertiveness is a skill and depending on your personality type, it might be a difficult one to conquer. The ability to say no is something you'll need in your personal and professional life. Think of questions like 'Can you help me out with this project at work?' or 'Would you mind taking care of the kids so that I can grab a few drinks with the girls this weekend?' 

In case you're unable to assess if, when giving your answer, you were being assertive or not, ask yourself how you felt when you gave that answer. Did you feel like a victim? Did you feel annoyed or sad when saying 'yes'? Or did you feel like you were simply helping someone out & didn't mind the favour on your part? Answering these questions will give you the answer you need. 

PS: If being assertive is a challenge for you, I'd recommend reading The Weekend Life Coach, by Lynda Field. There's a whole chapter on assertiveness in that book and it helped me greatly! 
PPS: It was the first book on personal development I've ever read and I published a short review of it here! 

#2 Holding a grudge 

I myself am not one to forgive and forget easily, but the truth is that forgiveness will set you free. I mean - why waste your mental energy on emotions like sadness and anger? 

Focus on healing your wounds first. Then, try to understand their side, how they hurt you because they didn't know any better and wish them enough self-growth to become a better person. Let go of negative emotions and move on!

#3 Indifference

This one is a little bit like the inability to say no - but worse. By being indifferent and not letting people know how you feel, you're making them choose for you. You put all of your control in their hands, and once they make a decision, you're stuck with that. 

An example of this is not utilizing your right to vote in an election, getting in a car with a drunk driver or not telling your friends/partners/family how you really feel about something in order to not hurt their feelings. That means they're happy, but you are not. And it'll keep boiling down until you feel horrible about it.

#4 Falling victim to manipulation or lies

Of course, we don't always have full control over this one, but by identifying signs of someone trying to manipulate or use us to their advantage, we can lower the chances of this happening. 

For instance, when we think of someone sick (perhaps a sick partner we've been wanting to break up with for a while), we feel bad for them, and our conscience doesn't let us leave them now that they're suffering. In this case, we'd consider ourselves as the ones having full control - we're the healthy one, the one getting ready to end things. But that's not necessarily true!

If you have had the misfortune of meeting someone who is manipulative to the extent that they'd be capable of faking sickness to keep you close, you can be sure that they're the one in control. 

Another example could be a fake friend talking behind the back of another friend, and convincing you that they have bad intentions. By believing the lie, you immediately feel safer and more prepared. Now you know (or at least you think that you know) the truth and won't let this negative force mess with your life. But in fact, that lying friend is the one lying and in control.
* * * 
Wishing you all the best in your journey of self-growth,

 Paula
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